Go Win Anways

Queen Bey had some serious hindsight is 20/20, kick you right in the @$$ advice in her early years, along with Kelly, Michelle, and the nameless members we never remember. She came out a strong woman and refocused herself of course, but if you remember the days of Bug A Boo, Bills,  and Survivor you know what I mean here. Did I listen? Of course not! So I challenge you all now to listen. Listen and listen well.

Prefacing what I’m about to say with, I am in no way throwing my mother under the bus here. She did her absolute best with what she knew. She is the calm and the passive in me. She didn’t learn until much later in my life to take her stand. That being said, she knew in a sense what to look for. The questions “normal” people ask about the significant other they are chasing or are chasing them. Do they have a job? Do they have a car? Did they finish school? If not, why? and for the love of all that’s holy: DO THEY LIVE WITH THEIR MOTHER? Unfortunately, she did not teach me those at face value. She tried to tell me in her own way. Stop Kaite. Look Kaite. WHY Kaite? For much longer detailed reasons I never listened. I didn’t really think she was qualified to give advice. If there is one thing I’ve learned from all this is, even if a person doesn’t seem to be living a life qualified to advise you on yours, you should still probably stop and consider what they’re saying. Being the passive she is though, my mother always let me make my decisions. She meddled, but she didn’t put her foot down. And you know what? It’s ok for me. She knew eventually Kaite would learn the hard lesson, the hard way and she knew me well enough to know I’d come out standing. But parents I can tell you now: I’m positive there were days she was beside herself with worry. Don’t make that mistake. Put you foot down.

Luckily for me, I also have the passion and roar of my father.It came out at all the wrong times and at mostly the wrong people however. Those who only kind of know my daddy, are thinking what?! No, he’s the kindest man in the world. While that is absolutely true, he also a man of some strong conviction and insight. I have the gift of being insightful as well, but also the curse of not knowing when to make the move with that insight. As I grew older, I learned how to use it after many hard life lessons. But what held me back so long? Change. I don’t care who, what, when, or where you are. Change still scares the hell out of you. I know it sure scares the hell out of me. I like familiarity, routine: the same as my father. If it’s interrupted it throws my whole brain out of whack. Ask my husband. If something isn’t planned, man is the hell storm of Kaite going to break down.

Let’s side note this here because I want you to see the difference while I have a chance to point it out. My wonderful, caring, pretty, isactuallyfunnybutsometimesmymooddoesntthinkso husband. He accepts that about me. He is just as insightful. Before I showed it to it’s full effect, he probably knew that about me. And he accepted it. I thought he would hate me when my bad moods hit. Literally. I expected him to get mad at me, tell me how *&$#%*! stupid I was for letting something little bother me. Or big. It didn’t matter. I waited for the day. And waited and waited. It has yet to come. Do you know what he says? It’s ok that you’re upset. Shit happens and it’s your right to be upset about it. With that, I do my best not to take it out on him or anyone else because I’m able to recognize, it’s my own shit and it’s probably stupid, but what makes a difference is he accepts it. We’re coming up on our year of marriage. Last week we had a bad day. Together at the same time. We bantered it out and I said something to the effect of, what if it gets worse and we hate each other? HIs response? “They say the frst year is the hardest. If all we’ve had is one I’m an annoying d&*% day and you’re a raging b@$%* day, I think we’re good baby.”

What am I coming to here? I know, I know this is long and not flowing, but this is my free write so just bare with me. They say free writing is personal and shouldn’t be shared, but I disagree. You should hear my raw thoughts. What I’m coming to is, that wasn’t the case before. I was dead scared to share my feelings. And I have a lot of feelings. Now I’m not saying that the lack of jobs, education, vehicles, or living with your momma was the all in all reason, but cmon all of them combined should have told a smart young woman like myself that I needed to run. It’s not as if I didn’t recognize it early. So why didn’t I? I was holding onto a fix it. I’m the oldest. By a decade. So I was always the one taking care of myself. I was the friend who wanted to help, the daughter that wanted to take car of her mother. I fixed it. Always. So why wouldn’t I be able to fix them?  Then I couldn’t and I was scared of change so I stuck myself in the mud and cried and didn’t do a thing but have a pity party. Dave Ramsey was on the other day and although we know he was talking about finances, his statement holds true for everything and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

If I admit it can be done then I have to admit I haven’t done it. Go win anyway.

You find excuses don’t you? Always. Stop excusing and starting finding a plan. Make the plan you need. It can be done. You just need to give yourself permission to face the fear of doing it. So think about this. Who is talking to you that you may need to consider?  What is your next step? Share them with us in the comments!


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