I Won Anyways

Footsteps. I sat there looking at that word for a good 5 minutes before I could even comprehend anything. What in the hell? I was looking for some inspiration today. My general writing is in a reaction to extreme emotion, that if which I don’t lack what so ever. Today hasn’t been emotional though. Stressed a little with a lack of time, overwhelming with so many people. I’m still getting used to a lot of people and sometimes it drains me to be around so many.

So trying to muster up some feelings to write on just wasn’t happening. But then I caved and found the prompts, bound and determined to start on today. I stared and I stared and thought of smelly feet. Then I looked over and my sweet husband was asleep and Brad doesn’t have smelly feet, but what he has done have is big feet. And then it hit me. This 6 foot something man (no I’m not sure exactly how tall my husband is. I know it’s 6 foot something or maybe just 6 foot. All I know is I have to look up quite far and am still not tall enough in heels) has walked so far in the last 11 months.

We’re coming up on a year. In 8 days. And the whirlwind that was/is Kaite and Brad have walked a billion footsteps. When we met, I was in single mom dating mode. There wasn’t one that captured my attention or made me hesitate for one second. I was finding myself and learning. I was content going to work, coming home, making my routine with my children, and occasionally going out. My friends surrounded me from afar, my mom and I were making great progress, and life was good. Let me side note and explain afar. My best friends live at least 100 miles away. But they made it a priority to come visit, Facetime during TGIT’s, and send the love to me. And then Brad happened. Now literally just days or maybe even a day before. I had just had a conversation with a friend. He raved at his proudness of how well I was doing and how he didn’t think I could, but bam there I was. I said, B, I’m not looking for a husband. I’m finding Kaite and embracing everything I am so you should’ve had no doubt. This conversation is seared in my brain because right after, my whole world flipped.

I am not blindsided by much. I am an excellent people reader, categorizing them in my brain. Each category has a rating of how someone will fit in my life and how much trust I put in them. They generally meet categories of prior people who I learned a life lesson from. Now keep in my mind the things I’m about to say are preliminary. My first impression of my husband. They say first impressions stick. His did not. During our pre first date talks, I categorized him as privileged. A pretty boy who got what he wanted, when he wanted it. This was a man who had options. I was certain there wasn’t a woman who turned him down, and I wasn’t certain that I would mean anything. I was actually sure I wouldn’t. I was drawn to him in such a way it was scary. For me I knew what that meant. It meant I needed to tread carefully and make sure I didn’t care. I needed to make sure my wall was up in full defense because I had 3 children I needed to focus on. I couldn’t let this man draw me in and blind me from my realism I had grown to know and love. What is that exactly? It was a false realism set in my head by a constant pounding thought people had put in there: You’re not good enough. There isn’t a man in the world who will want you and your children. 

Oh but the lie that was. I remember so vividly the first time I saw him. Head down, hands in pocket and all I could see was a full head of curly prettiness. Then he looked up, surprised I was standing there. Today the look of surprise when he’s in that same stance still melts my heart. It’s a Brad thing and so very adorable. Now the thing you have to know is, I’m awkward. I love people and I love talking to them, but I am so socially awkward. Good thing for me, he’s not. At that moment when he looked up, and it was all in a 5 second time frame, I knew I was in some trouble. Because I loved him. Right there, I loved him and I almost cried. I know I whispered, fuck. I prayed so hard all the way to the restaurant. Please God do not let this man be anything I thought. Let him be that and so much more for me. And he was. The amount of respect, kindness, and pureness of this man’s heart can just be seen through his eyes. You can feel no malice at all. Even now there is nothing that can keep me mad a him if I look at him. (and he knows it too)

Not only did he connect with me, but my children. The respect he showed for me, my time, and my children’s time is unmatched in this world. It was vital to me that he didn’t push. I didn’t voice that to him, but he instinctively knew. He knew me to my core and still does. I went through periods of being afraid still, but telling him about it was so easy. There never was nor ever has been a thing I felt afraid to tell him. If I was wrong or not, I told him. In sync. That’s the word we use. We’re completely and utterly in sync. We know immediately if something is wrong with one another, voice it, and wait until we’re ready to share. The next month I called B back and I told him. I know what I said, but just so you know I’m marrying this man. He laughed and said, ok. Don’t be over dramatic or crazy. A month later, we came home from Florida married. I spent a week away from him in Seattle on vacation. I had been looking forward to this for so long and spending time with my BFF and some much needed time by myself. But I was in pure hell being away from him.

The footprints he has left on our hearts can be seen throughout. No matter if he thinks it, he’s a true Christ centered husband for me and father for our kids. He goes to work and works hard every single day. It doesn’t matter how tired he is, if one of the kids asks for his attention, he gives it. He gives it in their way. He doesn’t groan if they want to do something he doesn’t want to, he embraces it. If he even suspects I’m tired, he takes command and does dinner to bedtime. Our oldest, John Thomas, was a quiet introverted 9 year old when they met. How much he has changed with a man in his life to show him the attention he needs. Not pushing him towards something that he’s not, but allowing him to grow into the person he IS. Lexi spends her time showering him with questions and helping him cook. And the tiniest human, Nathan, walks on every footstep Brad has created for us. He has blossomed is all without effort because he was put in our lives for that reason. A year later and our lives are still completely and utterly fantastic and we cannot wait to see what the years to come hold for us. I saw B last week. He said he was taking half the credit for me being so happy because he knew I listened to my heart and head like he told me. I’m glad I took his advice so well. 🙂

 

 

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